Q: When is Sushi Not Healthy?

New Zealand Natural
Everywhere

A: When it is Sooshi.

(Also perhaps, when it is slathered with mayonaise but that seems out-of-point at the moment.)

And yes, the joke's on me.

Tempted into trying out New Zealand Natural's latest gimmicky offering by another gimmicky offering brought to me today by the letter(s) o-z-b-a-r-g-a-i-n and the website www.sooshi.com.au in the form of a Buy-One-Get-One-Free voucher, I ventured into New Zealand Natural on Lygon St, which, given the gelati haven that is Lygon, was naturally empty.

Save, unfortunately, for its cashier who I am sure is a lovely lady off-duty when she is not biting customer's heads off and accusing them of falsifying vouchers that will save them a dollar on bite-size ice-creams.

Oh yes, I made this. I may be a student, but I'm not that free. I assure you my days are better spent discussing the vagaries of life, assignments and cheap-as dumplings. Or creating vouchers that will get me a free life, assignment, or cheap-as dumpling.

Anyway.
"I've never heard of this," says Lovely Lady. "And it has no expiry date."

"Well, really, it's not my fault you were asleep at your last staff meeting or that your employers are in the habit of issuing promotional vouchers without first informing you. And without putting expiry dates on them." Is what I should have said. I just blinked.

"Fine, then," says LL maganimously. "Just pick one."

I look at the posters everywhere around the shop, including a giant one hung directly behind LL, obviously meant to create a sooshi-filled atmosphere, whatever that may be.

"I'd like a lemon fruit filling one please."

"Did I SAY lemon? Where do you see lemon? What are you talking about?" LL throws her hands up in the air. I blink harder. "Pick one from those." She points at a frankly, quite unappetizing-looking disintegrating stack of pre-made 'sooshi' at the corner of the freezer. A pity that there aren't pictures, but I wasn't feeling particularly camera-happy at this point.

Perhaps imagine the ones in the poster above, but smaller and misshapen with the 'seaweed' wrap falling off.

Well I've come this far so I hand my $1 over and walk out. To be honest, for a dollar it's not terrible value. And the ice-cream is New Zealand Natural, which is not bad on all accounts. But the 'seaweed' wrap is liquorice, the experience has left me sulky and after finishing the lot in a few tiny bites (and trust me, my bites are tiny), I go to Seasalt across the road and buy an actual salmon sushi roll instead. Which comes in brown rice now, did you know, and that almost makes up for its huge mark-up over other sushi places, none of which are in the vicinity, unfortunately.

And it's lovely. Service too.