Cupcake Showdown: Bleeding Red Velvet (Part 2) - Cupcake Central

Cupcake Central

Level 2, Dining Hall

Melbourne Central (City)

(Also in Hawthorn)

Opening Hours (City): Mon - Thurs 10am - 7pm; Fri 10am - 9pm; Sat & Sun 10am - 6pm

The ‘Red Velvet’ showdown continues.

I ‘found’ Cupcake Central via a Christopher Columbus moment:

1. I had no idea what I was looking at;

2. I definitely had no idea it had already been ‘found’ (many, many times); and

3. I foolishly felt self-important in ‘my’ discovery.

It happened some months ago as I was having a Grill’d burger with long-suffering friend MS.

Peering out the window, I announced “I see cupcakes.”

Burger mid-way to mouth, MS lowered it slowly. Unfortunately, the row of cupcakes I had spotted on the floor below was not visible from where he sat. As far as he could tell, I was staring at a deserted Hoyts and some very bored teenagers. “What?”

“I definitely see cupcakes. Strange!” At the time I was sure there was no direct competition for that awful The Cupcake Bakery in Melbourne Central.

“Are they...talking to you, these cupcakes?”

It took some heated discussion and fervent Googling to establish that

(a) Cupcake Central had indeed put up sticks in the shopping centre; and

(b) I was not having schizophrenic visions of confectionary.

Please. I would so much more likely take instructions from some dancing rare steaks.

But I’ll admit these cupcakes might have world domination in their sights yet.

Tastings are scored according to an appropriate Thank-Cake-It’s-Almost-Friday! structure: T for texture, C for Cost, I for Icing, A for Appearance and F for Flavour.

Texture: So moist it’s almost as fudgy as a brownie, but with a pleasing smooth crumb.

Cost: $4 per regular cupcake; $2 per babycake (vegan and gluten-free available).

Icing: Like great date dialogue: lightly (cream) cheesy, and lighter still on the sweet.

Appearance: Simple as pie.

Flavour: Full of it. And I liked it that way.

Overall Score: 9/10: out of this world.

Due to absence of forethought, there is no allocated category for wonderment of flavours available. If there were, Cupcake Central would certainly take the cake:

Peanut Butter & Jelly

Jam Donut

Choc Malt Milkshake

Vanilla Vanilla

And of course I couldn’t begrudge the new reigning ‘Red Velvet’ queen a chance to prove herself in some other ways:

Note: A takeaway box will set you back an additional 50 cents!

Bonus for hauling it home: no forks or plates if you're eating in.

Two bad boys for the road: Devils Food Chocolate & Salted Caramel

As we leave Little Cupcakes bleeding in our wake, any suggestions on where I should take this battleground next?

Cupcake Showdown: Bleeding Red Velvet (Part 1) - Little Cupcakes

Little Cupcakes

Shop 7 Degraves St; 03 9077 0413

TG06 181 William St; 03 9600 1690

Shop 4 118 Queen St; 03 9602 3884

Opening Hours: Varies, see here

It's been a goodly amount of time since this blog featured an old-fashioned showdown!

Little Cupcakes, William St

Cupcakes are a real religion in Melbourne. Worshipping types run the gamut from daily zealots to occasional visitors and even the prodigal (those who flock in during troubled times).

Cupcakes at a crossroads.

Blasphemy unfortunately is rife, especially in the CBD, where artificially-coloured and synthetically-flavoured idols are hawked aplenty.

It is for this reason I turned my back on the faith some time ago, having tasted too many ‘cupcakes’ better employed as neon decorations than eaten by any man or beast.

My return to the fold therefore is with a very particular mission in mind: a search for a contender worthy of claiming the Red Velvet throne.

A more callous person might observe a comparison between the Red Velvet cake and the Holy Grail: mystical construction (oddly tasty combination of beetroot with buttermilk, cocoa and cream cheese), scarlet contents, Hollywood endorsements, and a passionate following.

It is in fact because of one such passionate follower, L, that I became hooked while looking for a version befitting the occasion of her birth.

As far as Melbourne is concerned, Little Cupcakes is the goldie oldie shop for fundamentalist cupcakesians. L swears on her stack of recipes that these are still the best in town but I’m not sure I agree!

Tastings will be scored according to a badly-conceived Thank-Cake-It’s-Almost-Friday! matrix: T for texture, C for Cost, I for Icing, A for Appearance and F for Flavour.

Texture: As with other cupcakes I’ve had from here, this is a pleasantly light cake, with a very small crumb. In the spongy to fudgy spectrum, it is much closer to the former than the latter, but retains an adequate level of moistness.

Cost: $4.00 per regular cupcake ($4.50 for gluten-free) and $2.20 for a mini size.

Icing: Is there a dentist in the house? Prohibitively sugary (grainy even!), with the sweetness overpowering any of the cream cheese tang required for a red velvet.

Appearance: Adorable! Evokes thoughts of all things girly-curly like pastels, pinks and polka prints. And the shops are just as sweet, spice and everything nice.

Flavour: Not bad. Errs on the side of too subtle perhaps, bordering on bland with a tinge of baking soda. If I didn’t know better I wouldn’t have thought it contained any cocoa.

Overall Score: 7/10. I would add, however, that in the consistency and ‘all-rounder’ stakes, Little Cupcakes is always a great bet and has certainly stood its own through the waxing and waning of the popularity of the cupcake faith!

Despite my red velvet resolve, I couldn’t resist disloyally taking home a Belgian Chocolate cupcake as well.

In my next post I visit a contender that I believe controversially displaces Little Cupcakes as the incumbent queen of Red Velvets.

Care to hazard a guess or provide a suggestion?

Outing Outpost

Outpost by St. Ali
9 Yarra Street, South Yarra
Telephone: 03 9827 8588

Opening Hours: Mon-Fri 7am-5pm; Weekends 8am-4pm


I am late - at this post, at Outpost. A thousand apologies.

St. Ali, Fabulous he!

Ali of Yarra
Genuflect, shorn some respect
Down on one knee*

If ever there was an exalted coffee connoisseur, St. Ali would be it.

Now, try your best to stay calm
Brush up your Sunday salaam
Then come and meet his spectacular cof-fee*

*To the transcendent tune of Aladdin's Prince Ali.

And although I remain agnostic regarding Melbourne's religion of coffee, there is much to be said for its messiahs. Not one to be left behind, I dutifully agree to attend at a Saturday morning sermon.


As far as appearances go, this is an exquisite temple indeed.


Walk through to pray with the masses at the back.

Literally, our table is an arm's length.

Worship at your leisure, it was a full ten minutes before our orders were taken; the flat white arrived four minutes later (good), the food twenty-five (it better be good).


What we lack in thirst, we make up in appetite. We went extremist on extras.

Free range eggs on toast with homemade tomato relish ($9.50), Daylesford smoked bacon (+$3.50), roasted roma tomato (+3.50), balsamic and thyme roasted field mushrooms (+$4.00), grilled chorizo ($4.00), avocado and feta mash ($4.50).

Extra poached eggs:


Basically, a blessed breakfast for two weighing in at $29.00.

Sublime? Well, I relished the relish. Everything else was pretty standard café fare. Some rumblings: scrambled was slightly overcooked, poached a little sour (laced with vinegar), and the avocado fridge-cold. "Underwhelming," says hungry, hungry sister.

There was not much redemption in the twee-est, teeniest lemon cupcake you ever saw (comes in two sizes - this is the mini).


It was as sweet as sweet can be - unfortunately not in a good way. Not wretched, but not wonderful either.

Almost everyone loves this place, so I feel like a bit of a malcontent. Was Outpost otherworldly? Not to us. And with better brunch offerings around, I'm not in a hurry to walk over water to return.

Pay homage if you're a coffee devotee/in the 'hood/unfailingly fashionable. Pass if not.