Strangers Corridor: High Tea at Parliament House

Strangers Corridor
Parliament House
Spring St Melbourne
Telephone: 03 9651 8483

Opening Hours: Mon-Fri 12pm - 2pm (Lunch); 2:30pm - 4pm (High Tea)*
*With the exception of sitting dates

On the first Friday of autumn, I marched the girls up Spring Street with the ever-successful lure of an afternoon tea. Their enthusiasm, however, was somewhat dampened when we arrived at Parliament House.

"Here we are!" I said, waving both hands in a flourish. "Surprise!"

"What are we meant to be eating exactly?" asked YS, suspiciously eyeing the brick wall. The smile on A's face became slightly more fixated.

"Tea!" I said gleefully. "Down Strangers Corridor!"

Clearly, my friends are a long-suffering, patient lot. And after more enigmatic explanations and a security check (during which YS announced that it was lucky she hadn't brought her Swiss Army knife along - clearly not a woman to be messed with), we were escorted through a labyrinth of celestial ceilings, princely pillars and transcedent trappings.


The dining room was indeed located down a corridor - though I noticed nothing peculiar about it, nor any felonious figures lurking about.

Service was très charmant, despite the fact that we were half an hour late for my booking. We were seated immediately, water was poured, and when we were coquettishly captivated by a beautiful, freshly-vacated booth, we were relocated with grace, and the table cleared at once.


Two sumptuous platters were set before us in literally no time at all - one savoury, and one sweet.

Smoked salmon and cucumber finger sandwiches, and two kinds of quiches - ham and spinach, if I recall correctly.

Scones with jam and clotted cream, and an assortment of tempting little tarts - lemon, chocolate, coconut, and macadamia

When you have a window sill at your disposal, you should always use it to the maximum of your bourgeois enjoyment.

Scones make me happy.

I would deem the food above average, and the service was more than exemplary. There were a few little flaws that one could nitpick at, i.e. the quiches and scones were cold when served, and although the tart fillings were flawless, the cases were slightly soggy instead of crumbly. Overall though, portions were more than generous, they offered to pack our leftovers up without being solicited, and tea and water was refilled with great gusto.


Also, the touristy-minded may partake of complimentary tours of Parliament after - either join the one exclusive to diners, or go with the rest of the general public. During these tours you can take pictures like this to prove that you have been enriched in culture and cake.


And the price of pandering to politics and your palate? A very justified $33.00 per person.*

*It should be noted, however, that when I made the booking, I asked whether two 'portions' would suffice for three people, and was told that it would be plenty. I'm still not sure whether we received 'two' or 'three' servings worth in our two platters; we assumed it was three, as the food was so ample, and we were perfectly happy to pay in full. As we reached for the receipt, however, the maître d' shot up, apologised, and insisted on swapping it for a bill for two ($66.00) as per our booking. What a bargain!


Would I return? Yes, and I'd take any visitors to Melbourne with me, as the entire experience was delectably different. It's not every day members of the working class can dine at Parliament - and the entire occasion befittingly marked the end of our summer semester, and our recent transition into the murky study of administrative law!

Love Through the Ages

A lifetime obsession with the edible.

Quick intermediary post between reviews - I was rifling through the archives of the blog I maintained in high school (I know! How trendy was I?) when I came across a poem I wrote at 17 - entirely dedicated to my favourite foods at the time. By the way, 17-year-old-me, who lists Subway as one of their favourite foods of all time?! Loser. No wonder no one ever asked you out.

Oh alright, you got asked once. Congratulations...you're an even bigger loser now for pointing it out.

Maybe if you cut your hair? Considered plastic surgery? Too bad Heidi Montag wasn't around to be your role model. You could've done with ten separate procedures.

Anyway, enough awkward bullying through the space-time continuum. It wasn't my/her fault. From the ages of 0 to 18, Mum bought all my clothes two sizes bigger to save money because she thought I'd grow into them. I stoppped growing at 14.

Yeah.

So anyway, here is the poem I wrote, replete with its original title and byline. And just for fun, my 'live reading' of the poem (recorded this morning), with a picture of how I looked at the time I wrote it, in the World's Most Ghastly School Uniform - product of a Malaysian governmental plot to prevent teenagers from flinging themselves at each other in hormonal frenzies. Public school tables were less sturdy back then. In my case, the scheme was very effective.

Rapture

- A poem extolling the virtues of the loves of my life -

You are the most tender, most juicy and sweet,
Oh lamb chop, oh lamb chop, you fine piece of meat,
A medium-grilled oily and fatty prime cut,
In more ways than one, you choke up my heart.

A fresher and healthier lunch I confess,
Is the turkey Subway sandwich, and to give it more sass,
Add green lettuce, black olives, a ripe red tomato,
And the bread, it can only be P. Oregano!

Ladies and gents, no seafood is better,
Than a fresh catch of squid all coated in batter,
Or emulate me and preserve its light taste,
Swallow it raw, it won't be a waste!

Would you exchange a crisp five hundred yen,
For a pastry instead of souvenirs for friends?
I would and I did, and the Tokyo Cream Puff,
Is well worth the loss, and full of good stuff!

I have also a palette and penchant for culture,
Escargot! Foie Gras! And then, like a vulture,
I devour octopuses, pig intestines and liver,
And who could resist a fresh New Zealand oyster?

My appetite, its never failed me before,
There are joys to be found behind every door,
So before you turn in to bed for the night,
Lock up your house, and lock it up tight,
If I sniff and I find a tasty perfume,
Well, I won't be responsible for what I consume!

Yeees. Next review up by Sunday I promise as I'm getting quite seriously backlogged in posting (and in life. *cue tragic music-of-the-sort-that-plays-in-the-background-when-people-on-TV-stare-out-into-the-ocean-and-think. Because-it-means-so-much-you-know-to-think).

Yes, I too am hoping to have expelled all the gawkiness I'm channeling by next post. Wish me luck!

Lau's Family Kitchen

Lau's Family Kitchen
[completely redundant website if you can read address below]
4 Acland St, St Kilda 3182
Telephone: 03 8598 9880

Opening Hours: Mon-Fri, Sun 12pm - 3pm; 6pm-10pm; Sat 6pm-10pm
(Two dinner sessions, 6pm or 8pm - Maximum group booking of 8)


Confucius says: Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.

I'll give you a moment to digest that. Or spit.

The irony is that I do have a dad who begins cautionary conversations with the words 'Confucius says.' And the painful prose that follows usually expresses his eternal regret that we are not spitting-images of him (a message conveyed lightly, but with absolute seriousness).

So when dear old dad called me up in October to instruct me to book a 'good Chinese restaurant' for our Chinese New Year eve dinner, I knew I'd better cough up the goods, or suffer forever-consequences.

And I love Lau's Family Kitchen. I was warned when I booked that they don't do 'special Chinese New Year set', so everyone was to order off the regular menu. Happy to!

Q: When is a bowl of wonton soup worth $11.50?
A: When it's pretty damn good.

O wonderful wonton of silky skin and tender 'neath

We shared four bowls between eight people, so what you see is my half. There's a specific way of describing broth which is incredibly flavourful, sans MSG, and served steaming hot. 'Ch'ng!'

I must interject here to give kudos to the service. As I was ordering, I expressed fears that the dishes would be a bit stretched going round a table of eight, forcing me to order double of everything. Our waitress charmingly suggested that she get the kitchen to size up some of our dishes 1.5 times, then divide them between two plates so we could try a greater variety. Ingenious!


And despite the restaurant being full to capacity, water glasses were refilled rapidly all night (almost with an urgent fervour), and dishes arrived quickly and in perfect succession. Novel experience indeed!

Queensland Wild Barramundi in Light Soy Sauce - 250gm ($30.00)

This was one of the specials, and it was both delicate and delightful. I'm glad we had this but I'm not sure I'd order it again, because it was a little pricey and not particularly unique. If you 'need' to have fish though, this is a more-than-worthy option.

Saute King Prawns - 'Fresh large Queensland Banana Prawns from the Gulf of Carpentaria with a touch of Ginger and Garlic' ($34.00)

This is a half-serve of a sized-up (1.5x) dish. The prawns were definitely not as large as I'd imagined from that description, but they were cooked perfectly (still springy within!). And the mushrooms imparted an excellent smoky flavour to the dish, which I think would have been just a bit boring otherwise.

Personally, I preferred the next dish - which was so similar that it was like a 'veggo' option:

Deep Fried Bean Curd with Mushroom ($17.50)

Once again, this is a half-serve of a sized up dish - and more than generous! I'm fanatical about bean curd and mushrooms, so this was like manna from heaven. Silky cushions of bean curd languorously draped with slivered scarves of mushrooms. I'd take this to bed, but it wouldn't survive the journey. Definitely a repeat order.

Sweet Vinegar Pork Loin ($24.00)

This is half of just one serve so it's a pretty giving dish. I'd describe it as sweet and sour for the self-respecting Chinese, and very rich. I could only manage one piece, but it's fabulous in a spoonful of untainted rice.

Chicken with Chestnut - Braised chicken with chestnuts and shitake mushrooms ($26.00)

Also a generous half of a single serve. This blended in a little with the other stir-fries, but it was faultless on its own. I have a phobia of dry chicken chunks in stir-fries, but these were as moist as can be. I gather chestnut is not something most people have often in savoury dishes (correct me if I'm wrong), so I think this is a fantastic dish to try if so! My chest-nutty sister adored it anyway.

And finally (I've purposely left this for last), this is the star of the night and every night I've ever been here, so you must, MUST order this dish if you come (except if you don't eat beef of course):

Saute Eye Fillet - Stir fried pieces of tender eye fillet with spring onions, ginger and a touch of garlic ($30.00) [Half a sized-up serve]

If you were going to have just one dish here, this would be it. Tantalizing texture, fabulous flavour, and better than many, many an expensive steak I've ever had. There was a momentary silence at the table as everyone bit into the beef, eyes shining and wide. When I was a kid, this phenomenon was described as 'an angel passing by'. Personally, I think said angel was carved up and served.

Pardon my blasphemy while I burp.

We rounded up the night with a ubiquitous banana fritter, prettily adorned with strawberries ($9.50).


Honestly, the best Chinese dinner I've ever had in Melbourne. And I'd challenge Confucius to say otherwise!

Vindaloo Against Violence: Namaste Indian Restaurant

Namaste Indian Restaurant*
104 Lygon St
Carlton VIC 3052
(Corner of Lygon St & Queensberry St)
Telephone: 03 9654 0550

Opening Hours: Mon-Fri 11:30am - 2:30pm, 5:30pm - 11:00pm; Sat & Sun 11:30am - 11:00pm

*The original branch is Namaskar in Malvern.


I type this while on a break from the throes of academic assessment to bring you another kind of lesson.

Gandhi had hunger strikes and um we've done something same same but different.

And while the debates rage on as to whether our singular supping experience makes any kind of social stand, you don't need to tell me twice to get my rotis on against racial intolerance!

Thus, on Wednesday, seven of us (and two very latecomers) trooped to Namaste Indian Restaurant on Lygon to show our tandoorous support for this cause.


It was an evening of firsts. The first time I've ever ordered goat, and also, *pauses to preen* the first time I've ever been interviewed by a journalist.


To be fair, I've had goat heaps of times before - I've just never ordered it. And by 'I've' been interviewed, I mean our entire table. And um every other table in the restaurant. But still! Life's more fun without qualifiers. They should put that on a slogan somewhere.

Enough paratha, let's talk food.


The menu here has a very helpful grading system for the spiciness of their dishes, ranging from none (for chilli chickens*) to two ("Aloooooo go-bi!"). No that didn't make any sense to me either but it sure was fun to say out loud!

*Incidentally, the Indian chilli chicken (see later) is a fiery double-chilli hit.

Goat Dum Ki Biryani - An aromatic combination of tender goat and basmati rice spiced and cooked by the Hyderabadi 'DUM' method ($10.95)

As I've just mentioned, this was my order. Very nice, and a deceptively huge serving. It was as tender as described, which was pleasantly surprising as goat can be a real doozy to cook. And who can resist melting chunks of meat in layers of saffron rice - like little jewels nestling in grains of gold. A had the Kacchhi Ghosh Dum Ki Biryani - identical, but with lamb ($9.95). Grade of spiciness: A respectable one chilli each.

Don't go past the Garlic Naan here. I know the one in this picture is particularly charred, but believe you me when I say that everyone wanted a piece of the action - it was that crisp, warm and tasty-garlicky. $2.95 gets you two of a kind.

YS & VL, chilli aficionados extraordinaire, couldn't go past two kinds of curry -

The aforementioned Indian Chilli Chicken - Diced chicken marinated in spice, rolled in herbs and deep fried, finished with fresh chillies, yoghurt, onion and curry leaves ($9.95)

Baigan Masala (Eggplant) - Eggplant cooked with onion, tomato and a heavenly combination of spices ($9.95). And because carbs and curries make most pleasurable partners, they also ordered Jeera Rice, i.e. boiled rice sauteed with ghee (that's the stuff) and cumin seeds. Really rich and rib-stickin' ($7.95).

I can't vouch for them personally, as I didn't get to sample either, but I think the proof is in the eating - both curries were polished off quickly, and the rice down to the last grain. A word of caution though - the remnants of the chilli chicken appeared very oily, so probably not the most health-conscious choice!

G had the tandoori chicken. Two thigh quarters for $9.95. Colour and flavour was excellent on this one, I thought it was great value. My only gripe is that it was ever so slightly dry - you know when you pry open the meat on the bone and it's all moist and warm and steamy within? Yeah, that didn't really happen, which is disappointing. In all fairness though, I've never actually had a piece of tandoori chicken that did that - I've often wondered if this was just a result of the way it's grilled. It's not a significant flaw, however, the chicken was still really lovely and tender enough and I wouldn't write it off completely on a re-visit.

Other orders that weren't photographed include the Butter Chicken (perfectly satisfactory, and perfect for the spicy-averse) ($9.95); and the Beef Vindaloo ($10.95 and two chillis), which ironically was the least-enjoyed meal of the night.

So to the important questions:

1. Did we make any kind of social change?

I don't think I'm qualified to respond! But to our end - we had very good intentions. And more importantly, we took a stand. If you think otherwise however, I'd be happy to linger over lassi to discuss it with you. More than happy, in fact!

2. Would we come back?

Yes, definitely. Ultimately there were some service issues in terms of speed, but they remained exceedingly calm and friendly attending to a fantastically full house, and the food definitely had more hits than misses!

In the indubitable wisdom of Apu Nahasapeemapetilon Ph.D:

Good rice, good curry, good Gandhi - let's hurry!

I credit learning about this place to I-Hua, who adores it.

Old Kingdom: Go Duck Yourself

Old Kingdom
197 Smith St
Fitzroy
Telephone: 03 9417 2438

Opening Hours: As Seen On Screen

Old Kingdom is the kind of Melbourne stalwart that gives the finger to anything fancy, frivolous or frou-frou.


The method of dining here is simple and wouldn't you know it - lyrical too.

You book for luck
You come eat duck
You leave your buck.

Yes. I rhyme.

The menu here is extensive. I'm not sure why, I've never used it (and nor has anyone I've ever observed in all the years I've been coming here). This is because all the ordering is done over the telephone when you make your booking.

"Are you coming at 6pm or 8pm?"
"How many people?"
"How many ducks?"

Easy. And releases early dinner conversation from the painful and political process of tentative "what-would-you-like-s" when dining in a group. Rule of thumb: order one duck per two persons if they're of the vociferous edibilus variety, three if they are of normalus appetitus.

If you're a Kingdom virgin (salute my days as a gaming geek), you'll be subjected to the initiation process of how-to-place-your-duck described to death everywhere and even YouTubed here.
All the servers have been trained to do it, but the inaugural delivery may be attributed to ol' Simon, so if it's his you desire you'll need to go on a Friday night. Sometimes Saturday.

Otherwise, you may waive such foreplay and get straight down to the dirty-dirty.

$55 per duck will get you three courses, and a choice of where you want to sit.

Downstairs.

Upstairs.

Preface: Service is very efficient here but sometimes friendly and sometimes not which, unfortunately, is the wont of many Chinese restaurants. I find that if they recognize you from previous visits, they're nicer. But when I leave the family behind and go incognito with others, my filial-lessness is occasionally punished with a 'tude.

Either way, your experience begins and ends with an empty plate.


A smokin' hot duck is brought out from the kitchen in full, unadorned glory.


To demonstrate the crispiness of the duck, the head is snapped off. Viewer discretion is advised.


A whirr of knifing ensues. Slices of caramel-crisp skin crack open to reveal moist, yielding fat and flesh.


These are shaved onto the plate as the duck is split, quartered and laid to bare before its remains are coquettishly whipped away to be made up and returned in other guises.


Paper-thin sheets of crepe are provided to cover up the modesty of your meat. And the sweet sauce, spring onion, and cucumber make fantastic bedfellows.

Mmmm.

The second course is a fun, fried frolic of flesh in a field of beansprouts. It's not rocket science, but it is rollicking! You have the option of a refillable rice accompaniment to your stir-fry for an additional $1.80 per person.


And finally, as you stretch back in satisfaction, the third course arrives. A light, reassuring duck broth which I always think is wasted on bulging bellies as it's really very good but never fairly enjoyed. I imagine it's meant to be a palate cleanser, but it doesn't skimp on flavour! And of course, I adore anything with tofu added, anything at all.


Spill out on the street later for a post-coital smoke if you must, but remember that Old Kingdom is old faithful. Take advantage of the complimentary carcasses - as many as you can carry - and bring them home to meet the parents! Useful for stock, or you know - a lonely night with the lights turned low!

Come again? Over and over!